Reverberating Regrets
by NekonoKatzen
Summary: oneshot Kamui has been miserable for a long time now, waiting for the one person he wants to see most of all. Little does he know, that person has been beside him all the while. SubaruKamui.


My first X/1999 fic: a one-shot written from 3am to 7am in the morning, on a random whim of inspiration. It was supposed to be a SxK fluff fic, but whenever I try to intentionally write a fluff fic, it always ends be being all… angsty. This also isn't my typical writing style, by the way, so I'm all like… whoa… right now. And I'm sorry the title sucks.

Oh, if you find any mistakes or have suggestions, please tell me (though, I've noticed that some problems occur with uploading, and the system won't let me fix them... so... those aren't my fault). I'm always looking to improve.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own X/1999. The geniuses known as CLAMP do. I also don't own the song lyrics in italtics below, which are from John Lennon's "Crippled Inside."

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**Reverberating Regrets**

**By: Nariko**

_You can live a lie until you die  
one thing you can't hide  
is when you're crippled inside…_

Kamui collapsed onto his bed, taking in the cold silence that surrounded him. "My reason for being born has been fulfilled," he looked over at the corner where an old blood stain resided, "and now I'm just alone and without purpose." He got up and walked to the corner, then slumped down in the area of the stain, remembering where it had come from.

It had been two years since the Promised Day had arrived. Ever since that day, when Kamui had lost his best friend and several of his fellow Seals, he had been living in his own personal hell, and finally he had given up trying to live with the pain that was constantly pulling at his soul. It had been a terribly typical suicide attempt: he had slit his left wrist while sitting and sobbing in that corner. What was odd, though, is that he had somehow ended up in the hospital, where he awoke to find himself with bandages on his arm and a blood transfusion flowing into his veins. What he regretted most afterwards was not that he had tried to kill himself, but the fact that once he realized that he was going to live, he began cursing everything: his fate, his family, his friends, the Earth, and even the one he cared about above all else.

Kamui curled into a fetal position and closed his eyes, a single tear running down his cheek. "Subaru."

Outside of Kamui's window, a man in dark clothing watched the teenager drift into a nightmare. "Kamui, I'm sorry." Hurt crossed his eyes; one an eerie amber, the other a faded green. "I can't do anything for you." He found himself instinctively reaching out as tears began to drench the slumbering Kamui's face, his body now starting to shake. This was one of the more severe nightmares Subaru had witnessed in the years he had spent watching of the boy. "I wish… it could be different." He settled himself into the tree, preparing to sleep in its branches, just as he had been doing ever since Kamui had taken up residence in this building.

Kamui found his shirt still slightly damp when he awoke, but he didn't make any move to change into something dryer; instead, he just dragged himself into the kitchen to eat whatever scraps he found in the fridge. Having accomplished this, he walked through his living room and collapsed on the couch, starring at the blank TV screen for a few minutes before turning his gaze to the stack of homework he had to complete this weekend. "Subaru took his time to help me study when he was still with me. I owe it to him to at least finish school," he thought to himself before grabbing the books and worksheets and getting to work.

Subaru was happy that Kamui's apartment was unusually gifted when it came to windows: had it not been, he would not have been able to observe Kamui's rare instances of dedication. These were moments that he enjoyed thoroughly, even though he was mostly oblivious to the fact that Kamui's motivations almost always somehow involved him. He smiled softly as he watched Kamui scratching his head with his pencil, obviously struggling to figure out a problem of some sort.

Darkness began to fall as Kamui finished up the last of his work, and he decided to turn on the TV, though that's not to say he was actually watching it. He instead did what he often did on Saturday nights: bask in the television's glow while reflecting on his own fate and the fates of those he had cared about. Few of them had lived past the Promised Day, but those who did seemed to be happy; even Arashi, who had found contentment in living on for the decreased Sorata. As she had told Kamui before the Seals parted ways, she had to live her life to the fullest in order to honor her love's sacrifice. If only, Kamui often thought, he had been able find strength and a will to live like she had.

Subaru watched Kamui for a moment longer before disappearing into the night. He would return later on, but not before he finished his duty: the duty of the Sakurazukamori. Normally, Subaru had to pick a random person to feed to the tree, but tonight he had a mission to assassinate the vice president of a local corporation. He actually preferred getting these requests because often the people he was hired to kill were not pleasant people; it made killing them slightly less painful.

His amber eye seemed to flicker with an alien anticipation as he spotted his target taking a leisurely stroll through Ueno Park. "At least I won't have to drag him far after I kill him." He jumped from tree to tree as quietly as he could, stalking the man before coming down behind him and slitting his throat. He refused to look at the man as he dragged the body behind him, coming to the Sakura tree that blossomed year-round. "I'm… sorry…" Subaru closed his eyes and the propped the corpse against the tree, which proceeded to pull the man into it, feasting on him. A cold breeze blew through its branches, which danced and made a slight whistling sound, seemingly expressing its delight in the meal.

Subaru carefully washed the switchblade knife in a public bathroom before making his way back to the tree outside of Kamui's place. He was slightly disappointed to find the apartment dark and Kamui asleep, but managed a weak smile as he looked at the teenager. "At least he's sleeping on his bed this time."

It suddenly came to Subaru's attention that one of Kamui's bedroom windows had been left wide open, and he carefully invited himself into the room. He watched the eighteen-year-old's slow, even breathing for a few moments before cautiously sitting on the bed near Kamui's head. "Kamui," he whispered as he tenderly stroked Kamui's soft hair, "I wish you could know how much I care about you. How I've been watching over you." Subaru carefully caressed Kamui's face, "I protected you from afar on the Promised Day," he lightly touched the scar on Kamui's wrist, "and I took you to the hospital when you tried to end your life. I wish you could know these things, even if it would make you upset with me."

Subaru stood up, his eyes remaining on the sleeping boy. "But… I must never let you know that I still exist. I have too much blood on my hands, and I don't want you to be tainted. I don't want you… to end up like me."

He suddenly froze and his eyes widened as he heard Kamui softly call to him in his sleep, "Subaru… come back…"

The Onmyouji gingerly moved in, tenderly kissing Kamui's lips. "I'm here, Kamui. I'll always be here." He walked over to the window and glanced back at the boy, "You'll just never know it."

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OMFG! Teh ANGST! Yeah, and Kamui is apparently a very heavy sleeper XD Hmm… I wonder how far Subaru could get before Kamui wakes up… 


End file.
